Twinky was a folk singing alter ego of mine for a spell in the mid to late 80's. He never quite knew fame. As his promotional materials pointed out this was due to the unfortunate fact that he was born four minutes and thirty-eight seconds ahead of his time. He was also from Holland. He left his country of origin and emigrated to the United States because the wind from the windmills kept messing up his hair. His unkempt wig of indeterminate hair-style was a testament to that fact. While wearing sunglasses he was dressed in high calf-hugging silk pants of orange, red, and gold vertical stripes. His shirt was pink with a floral arrangement and over it he wore an ill-fitting blue vest with gold braiding. It was also festooned with sequined red roses. His shoes were of a platform variety popular in the heyday of the disco era and they gave his six foot four inch frame an extra little oomph. He also wore black socks.
He played a guitar that was spray painted gold and emblazoned with his name. It had a neck so warped the strings were upwards of four inches away from the fret-board. As befitting such an instrument Twinky always told his audience that he was playing in the key of R.
Twinky was perhaps best known for his self proclaimed hit record, "If I had anything I'd probably do something with it." The song along with its existential lyrics featured frantic guitar strumming that had in its way a close approximation to rhythm. After strumming for close to a minute Twinky would suddenly stop and in the ensuing silence he'd solemnly address the audience with lyrics unadorned by music. This technique perhaps unequaled in this epoch engendered in his audience an overwhelming urge to boo and catcall such derision as, "You're weird," and "Go home to your mother."
Not one to fall prey to depression and silence born of rejection Twinky one night ventured up to North Hampton, Mass, a town widely known as the lesbian capitol of America. At an open mic night at a venue in that fair city Twinky unveiled a ditty sung to the tune of the Who's My Generation. It was called My Castration. The song which featured such lyrics as "People try to put me down just because my balls are gone" was met with glaring silence. It was a moment of self reflection in which Twinky thought, "Man that spotlight sure is bright."
Some time later in an interview with Nigel something or other that aired on a public access television station Twinky was forced to defend himself against the charges that his song Yellow Submarine Sandwich was ripped off from The Beatles similarly named tune. While admitting that the melody of his song was indeed quite similar and in fact completely the same as the Fab Four's better known song Twinky insisted that there the similarities ended. Later on in the interview Twinky revealed that during the 60's he played with The Beatles. A noticeably stunned Nigel was heard to say, "You played with The Beatles?" To which Twinky replied, "Yes. Water polo." Ringo it turned out was a cheater.
In an effort to drum up interest in an upcoming Cargo Of Despair show that featured an appearance of the inimitable Twinky he appeared late one night at an open mic before an inebriated audience. It was a memorable evening of boisterous hectoring and jeering in which Twinky followed a Jimi Hendrix tribute band. In keeping with the preceding act Twinky announced to one and all that he had played with Hendrix back in the 60's. After an incredulous moment of silence Twinky admitted that they had played not music but kickball. This was met with raucous booing. Twinky then played hendrix's Voodoo Chile with the amended lyrics, "If I stand up next to a mountain I say look, there's a mountain. And I can take a grain of sand and make an island out of it. But it won't be a big island, 'cause like I said, it's only a grain of sand." The Twinkies he then tossed into the audience were for the most part hurled back at him.
somewhere in the video archives of Cargo Of Despair there resides a tape of Twinky doing an interpretive flamingo dance to the spanish guitar stylings of Nick the Swede. At one point in their duet for reasons unknown even to this day Twinky breaks into several seconds of that Sock Hop favorite The Mash Potato before returning once again to the floor stomping drama of the Spanish ladened tune.
Shortly after the taping of that genre bending performance Twinky faced the facts. Even Frank Sinatra had to one day say good bye. So the day came too when Twinky retired. He parted with his signature getup and unique instrument and moved off the stage making room for other entertainers with songs in their throats and stars in their eyes.
And Twinky was no more.
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